he shaved USA in his pubs
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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