I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
