I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize