Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
