Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My hand turned me down
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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