This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize