Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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