In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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