If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
