My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
