I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
