please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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