Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
