You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
