The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
