i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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