Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize