Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
