I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
