I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Let's get the cat blown out
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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