My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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