Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
