I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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