I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
