You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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