She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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