I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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