i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
