I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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