oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
