I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
