wanna go halves on a baby?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm at about main and main street
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
