Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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