He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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