i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
