so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Terrible idea I love it
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
