what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
