You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
