Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
