I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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