yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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