Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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