cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize