mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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