we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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