Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm really busy with my period
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