when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
