woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize