I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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