Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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