Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize