she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize