I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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