Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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