is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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