Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
