I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Oh god it's open bar.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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