i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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