cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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