I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
