last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My hand turned me down
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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