I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
