if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
