We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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