hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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