Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
