Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
