do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
